the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
