omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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