god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
