my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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