Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
