My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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