1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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