Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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