my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
