I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
