She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
