I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
