Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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