I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
