I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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