bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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