roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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