im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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