they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
