shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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