Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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