im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Never underestimate the power of titties
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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