I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
they're like a gay fantastic four
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
