it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
