You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
