I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
