Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
