one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
