I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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