wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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