Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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