last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
