i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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