the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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