I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
