so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
