pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
