Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
high people should be assigned attendants
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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