Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
