the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
