Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize