I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
