I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
