Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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