Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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