I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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