I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
