Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
