If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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