Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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