I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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