the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
