Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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