Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
