I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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