he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
