Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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