Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize