last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
not ubering you a puppy
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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