I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
