take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
